Learning To Love Myself Again

Learning To Love Myself Again

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I’m in need of a savior, but I’m not asking for favors
My whole life, I’ve felt like a burden
I think too much, and I hate it
-Silence; Marshmallow ft Khalid

It has been a really long time since I’ve had the guts to write a blog so personal.

As you all know, I recently moved from Whitby to Kingston which was a really big change. I didn’t think I had it in me, even with so much support. Mentally it was hard to wrap my mind around even though I knew Kingston was the better spot for me to settle down and grow old in, it was still a little bit foreign. I grew up here, and all my family is here – but in most ways my LIFE is in Whitby. Toronto is also home to me. It’s a strange feeling that I’m constantly going back and forth between which feels like home. I guess they are both home, for different reasons.

So there was a lot of reasons I left Whitby, but a big one was the fact I was in dire need to get back to my roots and dig deep in finding “The Old Erin”. These past 5 years have been nothing short of traumatic, and in turn I have had some incredible changes and emotions. Mental health really took a forefront in my life in these last 5 years and I was under a constant cloud of self hate, anger and depression.

First my dad got Cancer- that was incredibly stressful and really hard to wrap my mind around. I’ve written blogs about that before so I won’t go into too much detail but the struggles of going through that brought up uncontrollable anxiety and panic attacks. It was extremely tough on me personally, I had zero coping mechanisms. Everyone deals with it differently and for me it was really hard to manage. Even now, it is a difficult topic I have trouble vocalizing as it just brings me back to a dark place. If I talk about it I choke up, because it was just such a dark and uncertain time. What is even more ironic is we are coming up on the 5 year mark in 2019 which is considered Cancer Free. Its a big hurdle to overcome and while I am the most proud of my dad, I am also proud of myself for not letting that situation bury me over the years.

In the last two months since moving to Kingston I have really had to learn to love myself again. After being in an incredibly toxic relationship over the course of three years, I was drained of any amount of self love. Toxic relationships truly change you, in the worst ways. I am so incredibly thankful to my good friends who stuck with me even when I wouldn’t leave because I was too stubborn. They loved me and hugged me while I cried and never left my side or did not have my back for one second. I hope and pray anyone else going through a toxic situation has friends to lean on. I would not be alive if it weren’t for those friends today –that is for certain.

I spent years loving someone who did not know how to give respect or love. I don’t doubt for a second that this person did not love me, I just think he was never taught about love and respect. No matter how much I was open about my feelings of rejection and hurt, he was unwilling to look in the mirror and make changes. I was blamed for every problem and told it was my anxiety, or my lack of self confidence. Even though I didn’t see it then, it was the constant criticism that causing my anxiety and self hate. At some point I got lost in the atmosphere and just fell apart. I believed the horrible things I was told about myself, and I punished myself for being that way. I was too skinny, I was too pale, I didn’t eat enough, I wasn’t fit enough. I couldn’t cook food right, nor could I dress in a way that was appreciated. There was absolutely no acceptance of who I was as a person and instead of leaving the toxic relationship I stayed. Anyone who has experienced this I think can understand the feeling of truly loving someone with every piece of yourself and wishing they could love you the same. I would have done anything for this person, and wished every day I would be accepted, loved, and embraced for who I was.  I knew if I could just be accepted and loved the relationship would improve. What I didn’t know, was that he was incapable of giving me what I needed. So instead I stayed, and continued to fall deeper and deeper into hating myself. I really felt if I couldn’t get him to love me, that I wasn’t worthy period. I was told so often about what I lacked, what I couldn’t do, how I couldn’t do it, and why I wasn’t doing it right.  This went on for 2+ years of constant back and forth. With each day that passed I just wanted to be loved, and with each hurtful thing said to me it just cut me deeper and made me hate myself more. Every day I could call my girlfriends, crying, and wondering why he couldn’t see me the way they did and everyone else around me. Most days, I felt like I would rather die than be alone. As dramatic as that sounds- unless you have been in a relationship where your mind is so controlled by the other person, it is all you think. I didn’t think I could live or breathe without him.

Eventually, at some point things really fell apart and I guess that is the silver lining to this (Cue “Dancing With our Hands Tied- Taylor Swift;; this song is the literal explanation of the entire relationship). I don’t remember the exact moment, or event that occurred. I just remember things starting to not add up, trust issues set in (which surprisingly we never had trust issues, up until the end), and we both just knew it was over. My friend Rachel was there to pick me right up and help me through that incredibly dark time. She was able to keep me laughing, busy, and moving forward. I had to push on, I had survived an extremely traumatic situation, and made it out. The hard part had just begun though. On one hand, the immediate feeling of relief washed over me. To finally breathe, and not worry about being criticized for every single thing I did or did not do was overwhelming. It was a freedom I had never felt before in my whole life. There is nothing worse than hating yourself (from the years of hearing and believing it) and then being left alone by that person. The breakup was mutual, don’t get me wrong. But I still had feelings of emptiness and like I failed because he wasn’t there.

Over the next 6 months I not only managed to move to a new city, but completely start my life over. I have worked so hard through therapy and practise to love myself again. A lot of self care was practised, and a lot of doing exactly what felt good to me was what helped me get past all the negativity that was engrained in my brain. At no point will I ever date a person who shows signs of being abusive and toxic. I can spot the red flags very easily now, and the clarity I have is nothing short of a miracle. I am so proud of the progress I made and how I got here. I am proud of the fact this move solidified my three best girlfriends. You know who you are, and I wouldn’t be the confident, beautiful, loving person I am today without you three. My friends build me up, and I don’t feel guilty for accepting compliments from them. At no point should anyone feel guilty for compliments but thats just how my mind has been trained up until this point. Most people aren’t lucky enough to have one good friend and I have been blessed with three of the best girlfriends anyone could ever need. They all bring different perspectives to my life and for each I am beyond thankful and grateful for. With the help of them, I have been able to build myself back up, and move to a new city. Friendships are incredibly important when rebuilding your self love. You need to have people who see you the way you are and know when you need some confidence.

As I dip my toes back in the dating world it’s an interesting thing. I am almost 29, at the age where I certainly know I want to get married and have a child. Finding someone who wants the same things, and is a good person is the most difficult task. Learning to trust again is a challenge, I don’t really trust anyone is good anymore and I have all these fears of letting someone in, only to have them wind up putting me through the ringer again. I think I am certainly OK with winding up alone, it is not the end of the world. I just feel that the current state of Dating in 2019 is a hot mess, in which no one is clear or kind. It’s been a struggle, but I’m happy to say I can laugh now. I can laugh when a guy wants to say something hateful to me. I’m better than that. At no point have I ever been the person to put someone else down (Probably because that is what I am used to dealing with.), but I find it’s very common. It means a lot of duds, and ghosting. It’s hard to not overthink every single thing going on, do you talk too much or too little? It’s getting easier to just be myself though and the person can either take it and embrace it, or leave. Either is fine, I’m just finally at the point where I am who I am and it’s not changing. I love myself, I am an incredibly good and loyal friend. I will never intentionally hurt someone nor do them wrong. The cool thing is though, when you love yourself, you don’t look for acceptance elsewhere. I am the only person who needs to love me and I am finally there again. Months of therapy, lots of books, and tons of writing. So many of my emotions I was able to write and journal about. Just like this blog here is something I’ve been putting off for a while because it’s just nerve-racking. But it is incredibly freeing and empowering to be able to finally speak out on these past few months and what I’ve been going through. I’m finally able to LOVE my blog, and be proud of the work I do.

I was able to overcome some absolutely wild hurdles, and come out on the other side better than ever. I am thriving, I have great friends, and a family who loves me. 2019 is not off to a bad start..

xo,

Erin

Riz on Yonge- Toronto, ON

Riz on Yonge- Toronto, ON

RIZ ON YONGE
3321 Yonge Street
Toronto, ON
M4N 2L9
416-322-6789

Business Hours:
Monday: Noon – 10 pm
Tuesday: Noon – 10 pm
Wednesday: Noon – 10 pm
Thursday: Noon – 10 pm
Friday: Noon – 11 pm
Saturday: Noon – 11 pm
Sunday: Noon – 10 pm

A proudly certified Toronto gluten free restaurant specializing in Japanese, Thai and Asian cuisine
Riz is pleased to announce that they have obtained the Gluten Free Food Service Certification (GFFS) from the Gluten Intolerance Group of North America (GIG) for 2015. This certification acknowledges our ongoing commitment, as a gluten free restaurant, to preparing the highest quality of CELIAC safe gluten free pan Asian cuisine.

I have eaten at Riz many, many times. It is always very fast service, with some amazing food not found elsewhere. My usual order:

  • Chicken Spring Roll
  • Spicy Salmon Sushi
  • Dim Sum (shrimp)
  • Crispy Beef
  • Young Chow Fried Rice with Chicken
  • General Tao Chicken
  • Miso Soup

The menu has such a wide variety of everything you could possible imagine in the Asian Cuisine world! Certified GF and out of this world! I would HIGHLY suggest this to anyone looking to fulfil some Asian Cuisine Cravings! There is free parking near by as well! There is another location of Riz on Bayview, however that location is not certified GF and do not follow the same protocols so I would not suggest going there if you have anyone celiac in your party. The food is clearly labelled GF on the plates, and they have two separate kitchens. 

La Dolce Vita- Ottawa, ON

La Dolce Vita- Ottawa, ON

Website
180 Preston St — Ottawa, ON —  (613) 233-6239

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In Partnership with the Gluten Free Food Program I was able to check out La Dolce Vita in Ottawa back in October while visiting my sister. This place was suggested by many people, as well as Jacqui at GF Food Program. I have been working alongside the program for about a year now to help bring awareness to places that may not know the program. La Dolce Vita is in the process of being Certified Gluten Free which is really wonderful for anyone with Celiac Disease.

Located in Ottawa’s own Little Italy, this cute little restaurant is located down a few steps, and they even have an outdoor patio that is above ground.  We arrived at 11:30 for an early lunch, and luckily were the first ones there. It was clean, quiet, and smelled absolutely amazing.

To start- this place is 100% safe for Celiacs. As they are in the process of being certified I back this place up to the fullest extent and know many people who have eaten here with no issues. I will not touch on the protocols during this particular blog post as they are safe, so there is no need to go into that. Anyone in Ottawa probably knows this information already, so anyone from out of town…. you are totally safe to eat here!

We ordered a large bottle of San Pellegrino because who doesn’t love sparkling water with lemons & limes? Our appetizer was a delicious Bruschetta dish on garlic toast. The Bruschetta was really delicious- the only feedback I would provide on it is that the toast needs to be ultra crispy to be able to support the Bruchetta. It did cave in the middle of the toast a bit because the tomato juices had dripped through.

The Main Courses:

—  Cannelloni  —
fresh noodles + shrimp + scallops + baby clams + creamy alfredo sauce + mozzarella + salad + garlic bread.

What a combo! Wow. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would be eating my favourite pasta– Seafood Canelloni. It was made to order, the cheese was crisped perfectly on top, and the sauce was so creamy. Side note- my 1 and a half year old nephew also loved the Canelloni. Kids approved even!

—  Palermo Pizza —
grilled chicken + red peppers + goat cheese.

If you know me, anything with goat cheese I am all over. I think I eat a small package of goat cheese each week. Its creamy, savoury, and just delicious. The Palermo really spoke to me as it also had grilled chicken and red peppers. I knew I wanted a lighter pizza as the Canelloni was a heavy, rich meal. My only feedback on this was that there was also mozzarella on the top of the cheese which I was not expecting. I do tend to be dairy intolerant so after eating the Canelloni I wasn’t able to eat a ton of pizza as I had to limit my dairy intake. I respond much better to goat cheese only. It was super hot, the cheese was melted great, and the pizza crust held together perfectly. It was served on the pizzeria style tray and looked very mouth watering. Again, definitely kid approved.

Dessert:

Homemade from scratch Tiramisu. Wow. Can’t even put this into words, but it was so so delicious. The Chef makes the lady finger cookies from scratch and took a long time to perfect the recipe to make it Gluten Free but he certainly nailed it. The creme, fruits, and spongy lady finger cookies were the ultimate dessert. This is a great dessert to stop in for if you need a good date spot and don’t want to bring too much attention to the fact you need Gluten Free (Plus, its so good it will really make a positive first impression of GF if you’re on a first/ early date!)
A bit of a side note, the Chef there also is a fantastic singer… my sister had her birthday party here last year and the chef himself came out and sang Happy Birthday to her!!

Gotta love Ottawa, the city is gorgeous with so many GF eating options. I will be visiting often with lots to review so stay tuned. Any questions email me erin@glitzandgf.com

 

**This meal may have been provided to me in partnership with the GF Food Program & La Dolce Vita, but all opinions are my own- you always must do your own research when dining out and asking your own questions to ensure your meal is what you want/need**

Caya Diaphragm

Caya Diaphragm

Here is my Youtube Review of my personal choice of Natural Birth  Control. This is a Caya Contoured Diaphragm. Absolutely NO hormones involved. You simply insert this beforehand, and take it out the next morning, or at least 8 hours later. You can’t feel it, in fact, a few times I literally forgot about it. But they work, and if you’re someone like me who absolutely avoids messing with my bodies organic hormones then this is definitely a way to go. If you want to ask more about it, or just talk please email me at erin@glitzandgf.com

I have taken the Depo Shot for years, I had a copper IUD for 2 years, I took the pill, and they all caused various issues. Either long periods, or no periods, migraines worsened, or my skin got worse, overall feeling of panic when taking any amounts of hormones. I have been off the Depo Shot for a full year now and my body feels a lot less roller coaster for my hormones.

Knixwear Discount

Knixwear Discount

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Knixwear Body Suit

I have been a Knixwear Ambassador for about 6 months now and I really love this company. Not only are they Canadian, but they are a completely Body Positive company. They use models of all shapes, colours, and sizes! They keep it real and are such a beautiful company in my opinion. They celebrate ALL women and empower them with products that are beautiful, comfortable, and functional. Finding all three things in one company is wonderful. Check out the Body Suit linked above – it is a new release, and I am so in love!! Use my codes below for corresponding discounts:

Ongoing active code: glitzandgf10 for $10 off your order.

If you’re having any issue using these codes please email me erin@glitzandgf.com and let me know.

 

Skip The Dishes discount code

Skip The Dishes discount code

nomiya-japan-edmonton-skip-the-dishes-delivery.jpgClick here to save $7 on your first order

Skip The Dishes offers many popular Gluten Free restaurants available.

Check out places like:

  • Five Guys Burgers & Fries (dedicated fryers – however NOT safe for nut allergy)
  • Wendys (Chilli, baked potatoes, burgers lettuce wrapped, certain salads)
  • Booster Juice
  • Freshii
  • Hero Certified Burger
  • Pita Pit (GF Pitas)
  • South St Burger Co (French Fries, GF Burgers)
  • Lone Star Texas Grill

 

xo, Erin

 

Well.ca Discount Code

Well.ca Discount Code

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www. well.ca

Use code Glitz10 for $10 off your order! Valid until Dec 26, 2018.

Well.ca sells a variety of Gluten Free pantry staples, Organic hard to find items, beauty products and more. Some of my favourite things to buy are listed below!

Free 2 B Peppermint Dark Chocolate Candy

Castle Kitchen GF/DF Mint Hot Chocolate

Munkfruit Sweetner

Wholesome Sweetner Candy Canes

Renew Life Ultimate Flora Ultra- 100 Billion

Pacifica Wake Up Beautiful Overnight Lotion

If you’re looking for a specific suggestion, or recommendation please Email me erin@glitzandgf.com and send your request. Happy to Help!

xo, Erin

 

Tuscan Wolf Pizzaria- Whitby, ON

Tuscan Wolf Pizzaria- Whitby, ON

https://tuscanwolf.wixsite.com/pizzeria
110 Dundas Street W, Whitby, ON, L1N 2L9
(905) 493-5500

Tuscan Wolf Pizzeria is a new pizza joint located in the Heart of Whitby, ON. Located just at Four Corners, Kimberley & Marco sure know their stuff when it comes to Pizza. Marco came from Italy and began creating the most authentic Italian food I’ve ever had. Pizza, Pasta, Crepes, and more.

I was approached by Kimberley to help provide them with the best possible tips to make the food as Celiac Safe as possible. My suggestions were as follows:

  • Separate Sauce & ladle not to be used on GF Pizza
  • Separate pots, pans & Utensils (clearly marked)
  • Fresh ingredients so gluten on hands don’t get cross contaminated
  • Check all ingredients for toppings to ensure they do not contain gluten ingredients

What they were able to accomplish without me even prompting them was:

  • Cook the pizza on separate pans with paper cooked underneath to ensure no cross contamination
  • They make their dough at different times, and have a clearly designated mixer just for the GF dough only
  • They have a very high heat commercial dishwasher that sanitizes & cleans excellently
  • They store the dough wrapped tightly in the fridge
  • Marco washes his hands constantly to ensure no cross contamination, and he came out multiple times to check on us and show us his progress and particular steps he makes.

THE FOOD
We had the Bacon & Egg Pizza (no sauce). I love this option as I am really not a huge sauce person. The pizza was awesome as we ate closer to noon, and hadn’t even had breakfast yet. It was oozy-gooey and the way the bacon cooked on top was heavenly. The crust was flavourful, fresh, and had no hints of “cardboard” like most of the common pizza shells on the market. The fact that he makes the dough fresh is another step above the rest. I was able to dip the crunchy crust into the egg yolk and boy did I eat every last bite.

We also shared one of the weekend Pasta Specials. Il Gamberetto was a Gluten Free Penne noodle in a Smoked Salmon & Tiger Shrimp Rose Vodka Cream Sauce. I cannot explain the level of care this dish had. Each and every bite was better than the last. The flavours were exploding in my mouth, and it had such an authentic seafood taste. I could not believe how amazing it was. There was black pepper in it, and it really enhanced the bite of food. My boyfriend who is NOT Gluten Free declared it to be the BEST GF Pasta he has ever had. This is a huge compliment as he normally dislikes almost all Gluten Free food. I would go back over and over again for this pasta dish. This was a Father’s Day Special, but they do offer weekly specials available for a limited time. If you’re interested you can always call ahead and find out the specials. Request to speak to Kimberley and advise you saw my review. They will be able to prepare ahead of time, and of course, depending on your level of comfort, you can of course just walk in. For me personally when I’m dining out I call ahead to make a reservation so they know ahead of time I am a GF Diner and so someone in charge is aware of what I need.
For Dessert we had Panna Cotta which is basically a Cold Creme Brûlée topped with chocolate syrup. It was absolutely delicious and a refreshing dessert to end the day off.

I really have no pointers for these guys! Due to them reaching out ahead of time to inquire on safety measures, it kind of took care of most of what I probably could have found as a “fault”. I’m super happy that Kimberley reached out ahead of time, it makes my job as a reviewer much easier!

**This review is my personal opinion and experience only. It is your responsibility to notify staff of your diet requirements. Glitz and GF is not responsible if something occurs during your meal.**

Schooner’s Fish & Chips- Oshawa, ON

Schooner’s Fish & Chips- Oshawa, ON

Phone: 905-576-4442

Sunday – 12:00 to 8:00
Monday – 12:00 to 8:00
Tuesday – 11:00 to 8:00
Wednesday & Thursday – 11:00 to 9:00
Friday – 11:00 to 9:30
Saturday – 11:00 to 9:00

If you’re looking for some crispy, high quality fish; Schooner’s is the place to go. They offer Gluten Free folks one of the most extensive menu’s for deep fried heaven. Onion rings, Chicken Fingers, Corn Dogs, Poutine, French fries, and more. Even dessert items are available to complete your meal. I eat here often, and they even offer delivery through Skip The Dishes which is fantastic for those of us that are a bit further away from the establishment. 

If you need somewhere to get all your deep fried cravings answered, Schooners is the place.

Tiffany, one of the owners was so fabulous and extremely helpful! This establishment is 100% safe for celiacs, they have recently undergone renovations so there is now sit down dining available, and they were also Certified Gluten Free through the Gluten Free Food Program, making them 100% safe for Celiacs.